What are attachment styles?
Have you ever sat back and wondered, “how does Sally feel so confident in her relationship? Doesn’t she get jealous sometimes?” Or, how about, “I can’t believe Johnny made a relationship last 6 years! I can barely get through 6 months…” And then there’s, “not sure how everyone keeps getting put in these unfortunate circumstances with their partner, I am SO happy with Alyssa.”
Well, there’s an explanation for all of the above thoughts and feelings. They’re called Attachment Styes, or also known as Attachment Types. There are three different types of attachment styles, each ready and able to explain why YOU feel the way that YOU do.
I suggest this best seller: “Attached.”
The 3 Types
Technically, there’s two groups of attachment styles. Secure, and Insecure. However, within the “insecure” group there’s two different types; Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles.
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Anxious Insecure
Anxiously insecure attachment style is best described as someone who does not trust the world, their partner, and sometimes themselves. This person may consistently question their partner’s love for them, get jealous easily, rely on their partner for their own happiness, and become distant from their outside relationships to dedicate all time to their partner. The anxiously attached partner needs validation consistently, and without that validation can feel that their partner is distant, or potentially cheating on them.
Side-note: My Anxiously Attached Personal Story
I, personally, am an anxiously attached person. I think I broke up with my first boyfriend like, 5 times in a year and a half (you know who you are…). My second boyfriend was also a year and a half relationship, and I was relying on him for my happiness. When we broke up, it felt like my entire world was falling apart and like I had nothing else to live for. Sadly, this misconception is a common spiral that anxiously attached folks get caught in.
My third partner was great, everything I could ever ask for. He was handsome, attentive, and faithful. However, it was my actions of being clingy and, despite his loyalty, questioning if he was talking to other women that brought our relationship to an end.
After these 3 boyfriends in high school, and a few unsuccessful flings in college, I decided to take a hiatus from MEN. That’s right, I’m off limits boys!
I decided to focus on myself, I went on girls only trips throughout that summer and talk about topics other than boys, and yes that was hard. Men had been the entire focus of my life!
However, I made it through. I learned how to be alone in my thoughts, and love me for WHO I AM and not for how other people saw me. I decided that if someone decided to cheat on me or leave me, that was their loss. So, I got back into dating and started dating a college football player. A dream, right? Well, after two short months he dumped me and I couldn’t believe that I had done all of this self-work for nothing! Granted, he was a freshman in college and I had just graduated a few months earlier.
That same day, I met Don. Now, that’s a Nicholas Sparks-worthy story for another time. However, he showed me that it takes two people who are ready for a relationship and have worked through their attachment styles in order to make a relationship work. *queue Ever Ever After by Carrie Underwood.*
Avoidant Insecure
Avoidantly (I guess that is a word now?) attached people struggle with physical and emotional intimacy. These are the folks that you almost question if they even love you because they hardly give you enough attention to hold on to the relationship. To them, this is their comfort zone. They’re ok with keeping you at an arms distance because vulnerability is a scary place for them. They may respond to your texts with large delays, not recognize your emotions, not relate to your situation, and avoid conflict at all costs by instead “letting things go.” Those who are anxiously attached do well in long-distance relationships or with individuals who do not require a lot of attention in a relationship.
Secure
Now for everyone’s goal, to be securely attached. Those who are securely attached grew up trusting the world. They don’t have to question if their spouse or partner is cheating on them because that’s not the logical or trustworthy thing to do. They trust that they are a good catch themselves and that, if heaven forbid their partner did hurt them, they could leave and find someone new. Now, does that mean that securely attached individuals are heartless and don’t care if their partner leaves them? No! The opposite in fact. These people learn to love their partner for who they are instead of what their partner does for them.
Want to learn more about this topic? Try reading “Securely Attached.”
How to Overcome my Attachment Style?
It’s been said that the only way to overcome your Insecure attachment style is to partner with someone who is in a Secure attachment styles. Although I completely believe, and have experienced, this method, I believe there are additional steps you can take to take control over your style, in or out of a relationship.
Overcoming my Anxious attachment style
My #1 suggestion for those who have an anxious attachment style is for them to grow in their self confidence. Grow to love yourself so that no one will affect your self-image. This was my top method for “overcoming” my anxious attachment style. Now, why did I put “overcoming” in quotation marks? Well, because the harsh reality is that your attachment style never really leaves you. It’s engrained in you since birth (link) and therefore takes many, many years to “overcome.”
You can also start to ask for validation. You will realize that people actually do love you, and you don’t have to earn anyone’s kindness. That kindness and concern also doesn’t define your worth. Think of the person you hate most, do you care that they don’t like you? Probably not. Hopefully not! So, if others dislike you, why does it matter? It’s your life for heavens sakes!
Communicate your needs clearly. It’s ok to accept that you will need more attention and affection in your current or future relationships. So, set the stage early so that your new partner, friendship, etc. is set up for success.
Give this book, “How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style” a read!
Overcoming my Avoidant attachment style
The first step to overcoming your Avoidant Insecure attachment style is to acknowledge your fear of emotional intimacy. Just like anything, you must first admit your fault before you can attack it. So, now that you’ve come to terms that you are, in fact, avoidantly attached you can start to work through and out of that style.
Next, start to practice intimacy and vulnerability a little at a time. Share personal details with those close to you, and recognize how you feel when you do it. Allow yourself to feel that distaste, but try to fight it while you share some of your secrets or deep emotions with those you trust, or, who you should trust.
If you’re the type of person that likes to do things on your own, open up and ask for help. This, for some people, goes much deeper than just asking for help. You might feel like you are admitting your weaknesses, when really this is you admitting your avoidant weakness and trying to overcome it.
Finally, start to open your mind to the idea that dependence is OKAY. It doesn’t make you weak to rely on someone or ask for their help. You can have a bad day and someone can comfort you, or admit your weaknesses to someone close to you, and neither would affect your worth.
I hope these tips helped you! Remember, overcoming your attachment style that’s been in place since birth (more on that in another post soon) will need to be taken one day at a time.