Did My Parents Cause My Attachment Style??
So, you’ve discovered Attachment Styles and want to know, “where in the world did I get this from?” Well, you’ve come to the right place!
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What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment Styles are a guide for individuals on how they handle relationships – both romantic and not. There are two categories of attachment styles, and the three subsets fit within those. The two categories are Insecure and Secure attachment types. Anxious and Avoidant belong within the Insecure type, and Secure is the third style that belongs in, you guessed it, the Secure type.
If you’d like a more in-depth explanation of the attachment styles, you can see my post on 3 Attachment Styles & How to Overcome Them.
Check out the book “Attached” to get a more in-depth description.
Did my Parents Cause My Attachment Style?
To put it shortly, maybe. Our attachment style is shaped by our primary caregiver. Your primary caregiver is the person that primarily spent time with or cared for you during your early years of childhood.
“But Paige, how did someone who raised me affect my attachment style these 20, 30, or 40+ years later?” Let me tell you! So, whomever raised you taught you how much you could or couldn’t trust the world. For example, a securely attached person had a primary care giver (for the sake of, we are going to call this the “parent” moving forward) that came to them when they cried, and took care of them, almost every time. This child learned that they could trust that the world would take care of them.
However, if your parent rarely came to you when you cried and you had to fend for yourself, you learned that you cannot trust the world, and an avoidant attachment style was acquired so you could protect yourself.
Finally, an anxiously attached person had a parent that was present sometimes, but not all of the time. They learned that you can only trust if you force that trust, and check on it regularly. Therefore, the anxious attachment style was created.
Consistent vs. Inconsistent Parenting
You may notice, the theme to these differences is the consistency, or inconsistency, of care given during early childhood. Consistency looks like the parent promptly coming to help the child when they cry, giving physical needs such as food and water, and satisfying emotional needs with tenderness and closeness.
Inconsistent parenting can take two forms. First, complete and total neglect. Those horror stories that used to pop up in your Snapchat news stores? Yep. That’s what I’m talking about. This looks like a parent that lets their child cry without ever coming to their rescue. Or if they do, it’s extremely rare. The second form of inconsistent parenting is only sometimes coming to the child’s rescue. The randomness of this care causes lots of confusion for the child and, eventually, an anxious attachment style.
Read Jessica Baum’s “Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love” here.
Can I Blame my Parents?
So now that I know that my attachment style came from my parents, it’s all their fault! Right? Well, not quite. Although your parents may have set the tone for your attachment style, you have the choice to wallow in your pain and pity, or you can choose to change. It is possible to overcome your attachment style, and achieve a Secure attachment. It’s hard, and it can take years, but it’s worth every ounce of pain and grit that it takes. I know from personal experience.
So yeah, I could have sat back and practiced learned helplessness now that I know my parents caused my attachment style. However, then I never would have grown into the woman I am today! I would have been stuck checking my boyfriend’s phones, their location, and questioning every move they made. Not to mention, my attachment style led me to be with some pretty, how do I say this nicely… insignificant men.
Instead, I mastered my attachment style and am now in a secure relationship with the man of my dreams. If you want to learn more about your personal attachment style and how to overcome it, check out my other post with this link.
Which Attachment Style am I?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Who did I spend the most time with as a young child?
- Did I enjoy spending time with that person?
- How much time did they spend with me?
- Did that person act like they wanted to be with me?
- Do I remember being well fed and cared for by that person?
- If not, what did our relationship look like instead? Distant? Maybe inconsistent?
- Now that I’m grown, what do my relationships look like?
- Do I get jealous easily?
- Do I dislike spending too much time with my partner?
- Do I feel I can trust my partner fully?
After going through these questions, read my 3 Attachment Styles & How to Overcome Them post and you can judge which style fits you best. You can also read “What Attachment Style Are You?” by Luna May.
How Hard is it to Overcome My Attachment Style?
My best answer to this question is, it depends. Some people are almost a secure attachment style, but they need a bit more reassurance than someone who is secure. Others are so engrained to being an insecure attachment they can hardly even start a relationship.
I would say the best way to assess how hard the transition to a secure attachment style for you would be to assess your current situation. Are you in a happy, and I mean truly happy, relationship? With no cheating, jealousy, or contentment? Then you’re probably pretty close to a secure attachment! However, if you ask yourself and the answer is no, I can’t seem to get into a relationship either because I scare people off too soon with my intensity or avoid talking to someone long enough to start a relationship, then you’re an insecure attachment style.
Overall, the first step to overcoming your attachment style is finding out your style type. This can be found by pondering your relationship with your primary care giver growing up, and the quality (or lack of quality) that relationship gave you at a very young age.
”Attachment Styles + Workbook 2-in-1” is a tool you can use to overcome both Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles.